Musings from the padded room

måndag 29 mars 2010

The dangers of the PMS bitch

Females around the world suffer from it. Men around the world suffer because of it (at least if you ask them). PMS is like passive smoking. Not only does it harm the smokers, but those around them as well.

I am one of all those people suffering from it directly. I'm not going to go into much detail about it. Suffice to say I manage to check all the boxes along the long list of symptoms of PMS. It is a dangerous, dangerous thing, this PMS business.

For example:

I am usually a rather calm driver, at the most I can display certain aspects of passive aggressiveness (displayed through a few choice words involving cereal boxes and driver's licenses or the occasional angry sigh). However, the day before yesterday I transformed, from one minute to the next, into the horrifying PMS bitch. I didn't realise it at the time, of course, since I was too wrapped up in thinking about ramming my car into the back bumper of the idiot in front of me who seemed to have trouble finding the gas pedal on their car (yes, surprise surprise, all cars normally DO have a gas pedal). I would've done it if my car hadn't consisted of up to 95% of plastic junk. Knowing this, however, I managed to limit myself to staring hard into their rear view mirror while frowning and sending evil, evil thoughts their way. I do have to confess I also flashed my lights at them at one point and was *this* close to sound my horn as well. Personally I hate it when someone does that to me. But, come on!, they were driving 50 km/h on a 70 km/h road...

In order to reduce stress levels and traffic incidents I suggest putting a sign on every car driven by a woman suffering from PMS. That way the other poor souls on the roads will at least have a chance to avoid the dangers for themselves, their cars, their ancestors and descendants as well as the authority issuing their driver's license.

As for the times off the roads...

I believe that a lot of PMS-induced cases of domestic abuse, most often verbal and/or emotional but sometimes involving normally stationary objects suddenly becoming airborne or doors suffering damage through blunt force trauma, can be prevented if the passive victim (read: the other, most often male, part of a relationship) of PMS would keep a few things in mind:

1. Do not do anything that might aggravate the PMS bitch. Avoid eye contact, try to subtly stall all attempts at serious discussions about your relationship, or other volatile subjects, until a more opportune time.

2. Do not draw parallels between that awful bout of flu you had last year and your significant other's PMS. Do not talk about your awful day at work or other problems you might have suffered. Believe me, nothing you've suffered this day will be anywhere near what the PMS bitch will feel like she's suffered.

3. Do not forget to pick up your stuff from the floor/chairs/tables or anywhere else where you might have thrown/dropped them. You do not want to know what happens if the PMS bitch comes home to a messy house and realises she'll be the one who'll have to clean it up.

4. Do not come between the PMS bitch and her choice of a substitute for Valium (e.g chocolate, candy, cookies etc.). And for GOD'S SAKE do not eat that last cookie or ice cream you found in the kitchen. You will not like the consequences.

5. Use this time to show your softer side. A surprise gift (chocolate or flowers for example) is always nice. But also more mundane displays of affection are good. This is your chance to prove that a real man really knows how to handle a vacuum cleaner or the dish washer.

If you've planned on cooking a nice, romantic dinner for your significant other to when she gets home from a tough day, this is the time.

And, yes, you have to do the dishes and the clean-up immediately, at the latest, after you've finished dinner and the PMS bitch has relocated to the comfortable couch or chair in front of the TV, swept into a warm blanket that you've put around her shoulders, with a nice cup of warm tea or chocolate in her hand (and the remote control within easy reach).

And no, a romantic dinner doesn't automatically end with hot gorilla sex... just so you know what you shouldn't expect.

And here are some pictures of the whole bag of sweetness I found yesterday:

1 kommentar:

  1. Hihi! Så sant som det var sagt. Och du vet ju vad jag har sagt om vad statistisken kring kvinnor som begått våldsbrott säger; en stor del av dem gjorde sina våldshandlingar under sina pms- eller mensperioder. Och jag klandrar ingen. Det är medren och skär viljestyrka och tankar på mina katter som gör att jag inte går bärsärk ute i samhället undre pms. Tilläggas kan att de gånger jag blir förbannad på medtrafikanter är det oftast inte när jag har pms. De är så dumma ändå att mina hormoner inte behöver hjälpa till i aggressivteten. Jag dörmmer fortfaramde vedergällningsdrömmar om den där mannen som tutade en gång. Han i röd bil, som jag ville jaga ikapp. Han står på min lista. And he always will.